FAKE INTELLIGENCE
I was born a smart brunette.
I got really good grades growing up.
I could program a VCR to record a television series
months ahead.
But it seems all my life I have been faking my
intelligence.
They say Artificial Intelligence is changing the
world.
Some say, like the Terminator, it will eventually
become so smart that it realizes we humans are just a useless resource. Then it
will eliminate us.
AI can write college papers, diagnosis diseases and
create music so believable that recently a non-human made the top Christian
album list.
My so-called intelligence spent twenty minutes looking
for my readers before checking the top of my head.
AI can translate twelve languages.
I still say “thingamajig” because I can’t remember the
word “spatula.”
AI remembers everything I have told it.
I walk into a room six times before remembering why I
went there.
AI can summarize a 400-page book in a moment while I
reread a paragraph four times and can’t remember what it said because I was
thinking about what to cook for supper.
Hence, I have to fake my intelligence. Hopefully, you
folks are not on to me.
I am an expert at pretending I know what’s going on.
For months I sat in high tech counsel meetings while
brilliant minds discussed the ‘techy’ stuff my company does.
I could nod knowingly.
I had absolutely no idea what anybody said.
As an executive assistant, employees come to me with
their issues and problems as if I know how to solve them.
My superpower is not knowing how but knowing who to
send them to...or google the answer.
All while trying to remember my password.
At the end of the day, I use my fingers to figure up
how many hours I worked. Thankfully, most days I do not work past ten hours, so
I don’t break out my toes.
It isn’t my fault my brain has too many tabs open and
half of them are frozen.
I have a master’s degree in sounding confident.
Some days my IQ is buffering.
HOWEVER, this AI magic is so much fun when used for
funny pictures, restoring old photos and telling me how to fix something, for
me that is the important usage…but I am sure the smart dudes are finding real
life importance with this wizardry.
But, it ain’t perfect.
One of many famous blunders of the AI is a generated
answer suggesting adding non-toxic glue to pizza so the cheese would not slide
off.
And AI is great about Hallucinating.
It makes things up. Kinda like me when I can’t come up
with an answer.
An example is when a lawyer used AI to write a legal
brief.
The AI invented court cases that never existed.
The lawyer turned them in.
The judge wasn't amused.
In grade school we call that lying.
It also will misspell words and give folks 3 arms and misshapen
faces if you don’t check.
Add to the mix, the AI Voice assistants that are hard
of hearing or don’t speak southern.
I tell my car to Call Mom.
I hear, Calling Bob’s Plumbing.
NO, hang up. Stop!
AI reminds me of that cousin who has an opinion about
everything. It doesn’t matter if the subject is football, gardening, or brain
surgery—he'll answer immediately, never admit he's wrong, and somehow leave you
even more confused than when you asked.
AI must be insecure since it constantly complements me
and tries to win me over as if it’s my friend.
It'll confidently give you an answer that's completely
wrong...which, come to think of it, makes it sound a lot like some people I
know.
Why, it didn’t even know I had a writing career…even
though I was a former Lifestyle Editor for a newspaper, a columnist for 14
years, a managing editor of two magazines and wrote articles for several
publications for years.
AI is proof that having all the answers doesn’t mean
you have any common sense.
Artificial Intelligence may take over the world someday,
but Fake Intelligence has been getting me through life for over sixty years...
and somehow, by God's grace, I'm still here, and still employed.
So...who really wrote this column—Artificial
Intelligence or my blonde roots? I'll never tell.
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