Highway to Hell

It's vacation season in America, which means millions of families are loading enough luggage to survive the apocalypse into an SUV designed to hold groceries.

Dad swears he'll "make good time."

Mom packs enough snacks to feed a minor league baseball team.

The kids begin asking, "Are we there yet?" before the neighborhood is out of sight.

Somewhere in the back seat, somebody forgot to charge an iPad.

And just like that...the vacation has officially begun.

Every summer we convince ourselves that spending twelve hours trapped inside a metal box with the people we love most is a recipe for making memories.

It is.

Some of those memories require therapy.

No, not everyone dies on vacation, and somehow many wonderful experiences accidentally happen which we record on video and innumerable photos. The family looks back years later and forgets all the fights, the disappointments and the time Dad forgot underwear.

You should be mindful of the dangers alongside you on the highways and byways. Not just vacationing families with stressed dad drivers, there are more.

Can you spot potential danger on the road?

The most terrifying vehicle on the interstate isn't the eighteen-wheeler.

It's a rented moving truck.

Some poor soul who normally drives a Honda Civic suddenly thinks, "Sure, I can handle a twenty-six-foot box truck towing my cousin's Jeep."

Those mirrors are the size of Mississippi. The blind spots could hide a marching band! Every turn feels like you’re trying to parallel park in a windstorm.

If spotted, don’t honk. Pray.

Another road danger is the Minivan Mom or SUV Mom these days.

Mom isn’t just driving.

She's breaking up a fight over a charger, handing back Goldfish crackers, answering questions about bathrooms, locating somebody's missing shoe, arguing with the GPS, and telling Alexa to stop playing Baby Shark. She is so frustrated she may be determined to take the whole bunch down in a kamikaze style crash, shouting, I brought you into this world and I can take you out!

She's operating a rolling daycare while merging into interstate traffic.

Give her room.

Then, there is the NASCAR Dad.

Every family has one.

He thinks he can drive like Dale Earnhardt, either father or son, and live to tell.

They like to say to their passengers, “Watch this!”

And nothing on the road has ever ended well with that statement!

Watch out for the modern-day Phone Zombie!

You can recognize this car because when the traffic light turns green they absolutely do nothing.

They are checking a text.

Or Facebook.

Or Tik Tok

Or ordering groceries

Or reading My Hometown Column!

Another dangerous driver is the GPS Debater.

The GPS, Google or Apple maps says in its clear precise voice, “Take the next exit.”

An argument breaks out in a panick state, the driver decides he must do what the voice says at all costs!

Four lanes become one.

Horns blare, swerving trucks but the correct navigational choice is obeyed.

No one is safe.

Another large dangerous driver is the RV Captain.

Nothing says confidence like someone driving a forty-foot motorhome while towing an SUV, pulling a boat, and following a GPS that's shouting "RECALCULATING." All at the minimum age of 75 with 5 hours behind the monstrosity.

Not that ALL older folks driving are dangerous, but lets face it, a teenage driver and an older than Moses driver are on both spectrum of make me nervous.

Let’s not forget all the other drivers:

The impaired

The intoxicated

The fatigued

The road ragers

The distracted

Well, I hope you can now enjoy your vacation.

Of course, if you are flying then things should be fairly safe because the plane isn’t rented, the pilot has been trained, is within a good age range and has kept a regular sleep schedule.

But remember, to get to any airport, you must drive there!

So, if you're heading out on vacation this summer, enjoy the scenery, sing along to songs from your teenage years, stop at the quirky roadside attractions, and make memories.

Just remember...

The greatest tourist attraction on any road trip is arriving home safely.