For somebody living in the golden age of surveillance cameras, DNA testing, cell phone tracking and true crime documentaries, criminals today sure can be astonishingly dumb.
Twenty years ago, if a criminal wanted to get away with murder, they had to put in some effort. There was planning. Strategy. Details. A little mystery. The bad guy in old crime stories had to be smart enough to outwit investigators armed with nothing but a notepad, bad coffee and a fingerprint kit from 1978.
Not anymore.
Today, investigators can practically solve a crime before the suspect finishes posting vague Facebook quotes about betrayal and “fake people.”
We now live in a world where your car tracks you, your phone tracks you, your watch tracks you and your neighbor’s Ring camera tracks you sneaking home with Taco Bell at midnight.
Yet somehow criminals still think, “I can totally pull this off.”
Bless their hearts.
Crime television certainly hasn’t helped matters. Between all the CSI versions, Dateline, 48 Hours, true crime podcasts and documentaries narrated by suspiciously calm British people, the average American now believes they could solve a homicide between supper and bedtime.
We’ve all learned amateur detectives.
With all the murder I should be completely prepared to NOT be a victim. Be Murder Proof!
Hear something in the middle of the night…Don’t investigate.
Exchanging cash for FB Marketplace finds in an abandoned parking garage…you ask for it.
Driving your significant other crazy by chewing your food loud may lead to divorce by murder, so soften that crunch!
And criminals? They should know by now that nobody gets away with anything anymore.
Which brings me to the truly baffling category of criminal behavior: the spectacularly inept murderer.
You know the type.
The ones who leave behind text messages, Google searches, receipts, GPS records and enough evidence to wrap up the case before the first commercial break.
Back in the day, criminals wore gloves.
Now they apparently leave a digital scrapbook.
One particularly infamous case involved a former News anchorman who seemed to build his murder plot directly from rejected television scripts. The disguise? A fake mustache. The getaway? A bicycle. The alibi? A drive to meet friends a few hours away but was late. Questionable. The evidence trail? Practically highlighted with neon markers.
At one-point investigators reportedly found an actual checklist.
A checklist. Inept!
Nothing says “criminal mastermind” quite like writing down your Murder steps like a Walmart shopping list.
Mustache? Check.
Bullets? Check.
Alibi? Check.
Common sense? Missing.
Honestly, with all the surveillance cameras today, investigators can probably tell if you sneezed suspiciously three counties over on a Tuesday afternoon.
The old tricks don’t work anymore either. You can’t just toss a weapon nearby and expect detectives to shrug and call it a day. Modern forensics can trace everything short of what you were thinking about having for breakfast.
Although give science another five years. Our thoughts will be invaded.
At this point, if somebody truly wants to avoid prison, perhaps murder shouldn’t be Plan A.
Try divorce.
Therapy.
Moving to another state.
Joining a monastery.
Taking up pickleball.
All are considerably better retirement plans than sharing a prison bathroom with a guy named Snakebite.
And honestly, if television has taught us anything, it’s this: investigators always catch the killer eventually. Especially if the murderer thinks they’re smarter than science while simultaneously carrying their phone everywhere like a tracking beacon from the FBI gift shop.
So, with Youtubers/Podcasters/news crime stories so popular, why would ANYONE not get away with murder…..Because stupidity is incurable.
My murder plot is simple.
Kill them with kindness.
They will never see it coming..
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